Do you ever wonder why you end up in the same painful relationship cycles — even when you promise yourself, “Next time, it will be different”?

You tell yourself you’ll set firmer boundaries… yet you find yourself saying “yes” when you mean “no.”

You vow not to chase connection and love… but still check your phone, waiting for that message that never comes. You long for a relationship that feels secure… but somehow keep attracting partners who leave you questioning where you stand and where the relationship is heading.

These patterns don’t come out of nowhere. They began long before your first relationship — in the small, everyday lessons you absorbed in childhood.

Our earliest family experiences become the blueprint for how we connect, love, and even argue. If connection and love felt conditional growing up, you may now believe you have to prove your value to be wanted. If conflict was unsafe, you may put your needs aside just to keep harmony. And if you grew up in unpredictability, control may have become your survival tool.

Psychologist John Bowlby’s work on attachment theory explains how early caregiving relationships shape our internal working models of self and others, which in turn influence adult relationships. You can read more in this grounded summary: Attachment Theory in Psychology Explained.

Here are three of the most common childhood patterns that quietly sabotage relationships — and how they may be showing up for you today:

1. Over-functioning to Stay Loved

Maybe as a child you were praised for being “so responsible” or “such a little adult.” You picked up the pieces when others dropped them — doing chores without being asked, comforting your parents when they were upset, or always being the “good one.” Now, you may find yourself doing everything in a relationship — organising, fixing, planning — while secretly longing for someone to finally care for you.

2. Avoiding Conflict at All Costs

If your childhood home was filled with shouting, or the opposite — total silence and avoidance — you may have learned to keep your feelings to yourself. You became the peacekeeper, the one who never “caused trouble.” As an adult, this might look like shrinking your presence, laughing things off when you’re actually hurt, or telling yourself, “It’s not worth bringing up” — even when it leaves you feeling invisible.

3. Seeking Safety Through Control

If your early years were unpredictable — a parent’s mood could change in an instant, or attention and affection could be given one day and withdrawn the next — control may have felt like the only way to protect yourself. Nowadays it might look like replaying conversations in your head, double-text to keep the connection alive, or try to steer the relationship’s direction so you won’t be blindsided.

Recognising these patterns is the first step toward healing. And once you see them, you can begin making small, gentle shifts that create real relief in your relationships.

• When you notice yourself stuck in overdrive, doing everything inside the relationship, pause and ask:“Am I giving out of love, or out of fear of losing connection?” Then, take a breath and imagine what it would feel like to let someone give to you for a change.
  

• If you find yourself avoiding conflict, try starting with small truths — even saying,“This feels important to me, and I’d like to share it with you.” Ask yourself: “What part of me longs to be heard right now, even in a small way?”
  

• And when you notice the urge to control, remind yourself:“Safety comes from within me. I don’t need to manage everything to feel secure.” Reflect: “If I trusted that I am safe in this moment, what would I let go of?”

  
  

Healing means learning that connection, affection, adoration and love don’t need to be earned, conflict doesn’t equal rejection, and control isn’t the same as safety. With emotional awareness and healthy boundaries, you can break free from these old scripts and create relationships rooted in mutual respect, freedom, and care.

But childhood patterns aren’t the only invisible force at play. The limiting beliefs we carry about connection, our value, and what we “deserve” can quietly sabotage us just as much. The good news? When you begin breaking free from both — the patterns and the beliefs — you open the door to relationships that are not only possible, but often far more fulfilling than you could have ever imagined.

If this resonates with you, know that you don’t have to keep repeating the past. With the right tools, you can shift these patterns and create the relationship you truly desire.

You’ll find powerful practices to support this journey in my book, Relationship Transformation Starts in Your Mind, available now on Amazon.

Ready to stop repeating the past? HEAL program gives you the tools to release what no longer serves you, set boundaries that deepen connection and devotion instead of creating distance, and finally create the relationship you’ve been longing for.

About the Author May Eve is a mental health professional, and author of the book "Relationship Transformation Starts in Your Mind". With over a decade of experience in conflict resolution, trauma healing, and transformational communication she guides women to heal past pain, reclaim their value, and create fulfilling relationships. Through her signature HEAL program and her writing, she helps women shift from over-functioning and self-doubt to confidence, clarity, and connection.